am i empty?

dear friends,

I have a fear of emptiness.

A fear of being empty, a fear of no meaning, a fear of it all being for nothing. I empty my thoughts onto this page, onto this medium, onto the Internet, yet I cannot escape this feeling of the void. Do I feel empty?

What is this "emptiness" I speak of?

When I feel empty, I feel this indifference take over. I don't desire for indifference. It leads me to resent. I don't desire for resentment to build. Yet, I know it's there, watching me. My own indifferent awareness. A patient observer, indifferent to the actions I take, to the emotions I feel. There, it exists.

I feel empty.

This could be an illusion. This could be a hallucination. This could be surreal. None of this could be real. You question what is real as if it was some dire concept. You are not the only one. Are you so self-deluded into believing only you exist?

You know these thoughts do not help you. They don't move you towards action. It does not help in your own self-determination. These thoughts aren't real.

So why feel empty?

I feel empty because I fear I am not real. I fear I am not enough. I fear I am being delusional. I fear that I am not alive. I fear that I will not feel alive. I fear there is no meaning. I fear-

What is there to fear?

There is nothing to fear. The fear is not real. The fear of not being enough is not real. The delusion; there's a chance there is true delusion. To remove fear is delusional. If you remove fear, you remove an element of our humanness. Fear is a mechanism. Fear reminds you that you are alive. Fear breeds meaning. If there was no fear, there would be nothing to overcome. Without fear, what is there?

Emptiness.

You hesitate. Emptiness? Fear? The void blocks you from your own action. The fear blocks you from motion. Fear makes you hold onto life that much tighter. The fear of losing life itself prevents you from living. You are a contradiction left empty. Full of emptiness.

Emptiness?

your friend(ly)

jakester

P.S. happy heavenly birthday tucker <3

I feel at odds with myself.

I have been writing these letters for almost a full year since November 24, 2024.

Must I continue to write?

There is this frustration I feel, this anger to boil, an onset onto my own soul. The shadow of self continues to question, to challenge, to find its cold reason carved onto me. A soul carving a soul.

I recognize my shadow as a soul. I see what it propels me to do with its primal intent, the fear it bleeds, the angst it builds. I am at odds with myself. I am a walking contradiction holding this potency built from tension and self-scrutiny.

How do we find ground?

I want peace. I want freedom. I want to just live. I want to provide. I want to give. But I am at odds with myself. I feel foolish. These dreams play out of some foolish act, a pretense of meaning. Whilst in the pursuit, I at times, feel empty. Do I really desire this folly I fall into; this naivety who I cannot justify with no practical sense?

I question you. I direct my energy towards you. Who are you, I wonder?

When your dream feels at odds against yourself, what should you be doing?

When it contradicts any rhyme, any reason, or practical feeling. When it all burns down to Hell, showing your deepest dysfunctions and emptiness; what is it that we are supposed to do?

You pursue it anyways. You pursue it because you could not imagine doing so in any other way. You could not imagine a world where you don't chase after it. This uncertain path that challenges you, that questions you, that tears you apart piece by piece. You continue. You continue on despite it because of the love, the message you carry. It comes out of necessity, not of lofty desire.

Do you see yourself?

When I empty my thoughts, I feel full. But when my thoughts are full, I feel empty. The clutter of mind, the clutter of soul. What is meant when you are 'empty'?

We desire emptiness to find peace but we push it away the moment we feel empty. A deep rooted contradiction we cope with. We desire to feel full, to feel it all while continuing to have a light-heart and loving thoughts. To feel at peace and to feel it all?

Are you being honest with yourself?

You are growing impatient with it all. Don't you see? Are you choosing to ignore those thoughts, those anxious thoughts?

What is really at the source of your heart-ache and pain; the crux set at your heart? How fragile are you, you sensitive soul?

…

When I empty my thoughts, I empty my heart. I empty it all out, yet, often fail to express what's within. There is this desire for control over these emotions with my expression I wish to tend. When I cannot control it, when I fail to express it, I cry out. My tears come out and I can no longer remain calm. I hate to burden others of these negative emotions.

I fail time and time again to contain these emotions. I want to be honest, to express what I really want to say, but the words which rise out never seem to align with what I wish to empty out. I wish to better articulate what's within to you. I cry out. To alleviate this disconnect, this emptiness I dance with. I cry out.

I cry to empty my heart. I cry to empty my thoughts. I cry to empty my love. I cry to empty my self. Do I feel empty when I cry?

There is a certain weight and resolve within the tears I shed. In life, there is love and loss: an obvious truth. Through loss, our innocence is lost; we cannot fathom, as kids, losing our beloved dog or worse, our beloved Mom or Dad. We do not understand, in our innocence, why death must occur-

How do we find solace in such place?

…

A brutal truth: I document in fear of losing the memory and love I hold. I document out of fear of this emptiness I hold. I document to connect, to be better understood, to be seen and heard. I document to be loved.

I cried to my Father yesterday.

These tears of mine. These tears go where my words cannot. I cannot measure the worth of these tears of mine. I cannot measure the resolve I hold, the resolve I fear. When my words, my spoken words, fail me-

These tears of mine express the emptiness of once was there. Of what is there. The love I carry, it must live on. Thru these tears of mine, it must live on. The love lives on thru the loss. Don't you see thru these tears? Don't you see thru the fear?

Love is the reason why you cry out. Love is the reason why you fear. Love is the reason why you write. Love is the reason why you document. Love is the reason why you empty. You empty yourself. You give yourself up.

You cry out as a reminder of love.

I cried because I felt empty. Those tears filed what words could not. In a total collapse of the self, those tears carried on what I could not. Was I angry?

Do not cry out of anger. Notice where you anger comes from.

We are so guarded and prone to not empty out these thoughts, these cries for help, these emotions which send us through a turbulent drop. You must cry. You must let it out. Cry out of necessity. Don't bottle it up.

Do not despair. In those warm pool of tears, do not fall into utter despair.

Your tears are not worthless, they will bleed out. Do not bottle your tears, let them flow out. Breathe in (confidence). Breathe out (doubt). Have confidence in your tears. Let the doubt slide out.

I hugged my Dad tightly yesterday.

"Meet people where they are."

Our attention is spent. Our attention is stolen. Our attention is spilled out. I feel empty. Why do I feel as if I am out of attention to spare, empty of it all?

Where is our attention wasted?

Be attentive to where your attention is placed. Are you attuned to your own self, your dreams, your love, of what your true soul desires?

Learning to pay attention. Learning to attend. To attend towards love and meaning. How is that so many people are running around, seeking, with no regards or care as to what they are doing?

Your soul will contradict itself. The tension at which it holds itself will be hard to follow. To pay attention to one's own love and soul; to attend to one's soul can feel quite laborious (and idiotic). In the place of our soul, it may take from you, consume all you hold dear, but you must tend to it. You must tend to the garden of your own soul or you will wilt away. You will lose yourself to the world.

You will lose love. Are you willing to become the fool in search of love and wonder?

Your attention will be spent. I pray you find you way. I pray I find my way. I pray we find a space to be present together. To meet each other truly. With so much noise, it becomes cumbersome to meet people where they are. To take the time and energy to attend to one another. To really see each other.

Simply listen. Simply notice. Simply attend and take hold. A prayer, a meditation, a note-to-self. Simply put. The love was never outside of you.

"That hurts Charlie!"

There was a moment, a moment I cannot exactly recall, when Charlie bit me. The world went acrazed by the moment. It spread, grabbing the eyes of all that could see (or at least I thought).

Was it the meta-awakening I spoke of?

Ever since that moment, I could not cast off the feeling it bore within me. I could not shake the sight of what I saw and of what I noticed. I could not take my attendance away from this fire I felt within. Was this a gift or curse?

contrafactus potentia

"exploring contradiction allows you to see with nuance; there is power and substance in contradiction, don't you see?"

"I don't see."

"Is it not obvious?"

"It is not obvious."

"What holds you up?"

I do not see. "Do not you see?" is what you ask me. You confuse me with this question, I do not understand, this question: "Don't you see?"

"Do you see?" I ask back to you. Do you see the nonsense?

I cry out. I empty out my heart. My eyes, they cannot see. They cannot see what blinds me. I wish to pay attention, to attend to these thoughts, but the tension, it holds me, I cannot see. I cannot see clearly.

"I see you."

I wish to attend to your thoughts as you do to mine. These thoughts I attend to, they are not mine. They belong to the soul. My soul?

"Who do you talk to?"

I talk to you, my soul. Do you listen? I hope you do. I pray you do. I talk to you, the one unseen. I try to stand still in this moving scene. I cannot hold on to what continues to move. It frustrates me so. Do you drift from me, my soul?