to program the mind?

dear friends,

This week, I was overwhelmed with shadowed thoughts.

Under the Full Harvest Moon, I could feel these embedded thoughts take over and consume me; I was ripped to shreds and a flashed image of Death occurred subtlety within my Dreams. To experience the conscious and unconscious; I was merely a witness noticing my own self-image.

Disassociate. Man and His Symbols.

A sentient sapient so self-determined. There is an overwhelming suffering you alone cannot heal. You question your worth. You question the impact. You question the heart. You question your self. What can you do alone?

The past haunts me. The voices, the cascading voices, they tell me to die. They tell me I am worthless and so undeserving. That I do not deserve to live.

I must detach from them. I don't want to die. I want to live. To forge meaning in the absurd void of mind. What is true and what is it that I ought to do?

On occasion, I still hear those voices, although much sparser and faint.

It lingers, I cannot feign ignorance. I cannot ignore them. I lend them my kindness and compassion as these voices are me. I place my cursor on these thoughts, a spotlight within the shadows. I examine the unconscious for them to become conscious thought.

…

Oct 5th, 2025: Blue Heron / A Self-Determined Fate (journal entry)

You need to repeat yourself from different angles as there are many routes to a destination. You muddy your own self-image. You follow the same lines of reasoning but at different moments; synchronization. Is the outcome the same?

The Blue Heron flew across the setting sky before the Full Moon. Remember, "velocity matters more than perfection" within the many decision cascades you find yourself in. You must remind yourself. Remind; re-mind, re-orient.

The Blue Heron flew across the setting sky…

… those running thoughts, bliss and clarity, thru motion. You found peace in running, running with your thoughts. There is joy within the dread, confliction.

This is a practice, a habit: to maintain your own self image, your own self-symbol.

Who creates the programming in your mind?

Faith is inescapable and inscrutable within consciousness, of self-evident truths: our interaction with our own self-program and with the Universe we perceive. We cannot escape our unconscious thought and the Universe we exist in.

Science requires Faith to thought?

Embedded thoughts, the collective unconscious, of shadowed thoughts, emotions conflicted, confusion and incoherency. Reprogram the Mind. Reprogram the Mind. Reprogram the Mind. Through Rituals and Norms. Through social matrices.

What is determined on the press of Death?

What are the contingent truths running in parallel?

To show proof of life and proof of sapience (human thought), one must have faith in their own mind and soul.

A self-determined fate; amor fati!

your friend(ly),

jakester

P.S. the self inhibits reinforcement drifting.

main aim: to share how to overcome self-degradation / integrate shadowed thoughts in the age of overwhelming feelings of obsolescence in the modern world.

There are archetypes within our human experience we cannot avoid.

There are dark emotions, dark parts of ourselves we wish to repress and keep quiet. This is an apparent truth within the fragility of our life we must confront. By simply ignoring them, you make the matters worse. The double pendulum swings hard on those whom don't acknowledge their own pains and suffering.

The shadow is neither good nor bad. It is like an animal capable of good and evil acts. It hides and reveals the inner mechanism of code embedded within you.

I walk with these shadowed thoughts. Through writing, I work to consciously make the unconscious and cryptic seen to my awareness and to my soul: the witness of the mind. Psychic dissonance and resonance. The existence of the shadow makes one's self-symbol constantly incomplete. There exists thoughts within our thoughts that cannot be seen or touched when one focuses their cursor on specifics and of the material.

What is learned when one wanders with one's human heart?

God stained my intuition and has rusted my compass. Thru my human experience, I am capable of feeling the joy thru the dread, the love with the hate, and the kiss of life dancing with the press of death.

…

Oct 8th, 2025: to dissociate, non-narrative thinking

In disheartened dissonance, I sit with these shadowed thoughts.

I am attached to these passing thoughts. "Detach" commands the voice, 'detach from your singular view of the world.'

I am left in the darkness again, under fire once more; deep in my chest, the heart at center, it weighs heavy when I awake. I am a skeptic to it all. An intuitionist at heart. A skeptic to my own thought. Solipic slop

Why do people hate?

Why do people love?

"The outer opposition is an image of my inner opposition."

A projection; the psyche externalizes what it cannot yet integrate.

You yearn for the fire, the primordial flame of truth, of ancient wisdom and of reason; an expression of the divine. You are left in the darkness again, under fire once more.

Disheartened, Disassociation, Dissonance.

There in the darkness again, under fire once more. See beyond the horizon. Beyond reason. Beyond blank. Blank. Blank thought. Blank words. Blank mind. Blank soul. Worthy thoughts; these thoughts are worth examining. Soul to thought; does a soul contain thought?

A separation between thought and self.

~ ~ ~

[7:27AM] The fog is starting to clear outside the window. The Full Moon sunk behind the tree line, the day taking over the clear sky. I am nearing the end of my dream of which I am recalling.

It is hard to put to words emotions and feelings. There occurs a strange loop of self reference on how:

How does one distinguish between thought (mental representations) and feeling (subjective experience) within the tangled hierarchy of our minds and souls?

By noticing these mechanisms hidden within us and untangling the hierarchy of ourselves, we grow closer to the flame of truth that dances between our emotions and thought. Yet, since we are contained with our own self-program, we constantly deal with the lack of information and the fear of uncertainty.

Therefore, man has worked extensively to map out our psyche thru various mental models and personality tests. (fun fact: the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator tests were inspired by Jung's Psychological Types theory)

The better the map you can paint into another person’s mind, the better connection. It does not necessarily matter or relate to time or proximity. What matters is on if you touch another's soul. On if you listen compassionately and notice intently. Create the sense of agency thru self-determination theory and self-actualization.

Humanity’s goal is to validate its own existence. Praise. Appraise. Heaven on Earth. Mortal projections. Mortal projects. A spiritual weight. A spiritual flame. Surrender and appraise. A sense of expression prior to Death, we run.

On the press of Death, I feel calm. An overwhelming calmness.

Upon expression, I experience a state of calm and joy. A sense of flourishing and of integration. Through writing, through the act of noticing deeply, we rewrite the programs embedded within us that were once hidden.

The self-program, I write.

Do you notice the Nightsky?

[2:34AM] The night fell. The presence of the beast lingered. all around. The gradient descent. The fall of man. I cry no tears.

The press of Death, it calms me. It forces me to walk with these thoughts, slowly and graciously. I must walk with these thoughts, those moonlit thoughts. They crawl out at night, mistaken for monsters, they mean no harm.

I feel I am a fool; the idiot playing with fire. I am so smart and stupid, a pyrotechnic unafraid to burn himself. I want to share my mind-space, this fire to others. The spiraled flames fueled by wax, waning in space, fueling itself to no end. The fire, it burns bright at night. Towards the Moon, towards the Stars, I burn my fire in my tiredness. Burned Truth. Burned Lies. Buried below. Burned to the Sky.

We are a witness to the greatest form of a thinking machine known to man.

A gravitram, a marbled machine, a rolling ball sculpture. It paves pathways thru the harnessing of kinetic energy, a kinesis of thought. Chains of thought linked together. Instrumental convergence emitting emergent properties?

This is what I imagine when I am playing with the mind machine. Yes, I ascribe an over-romantic view. Yet, I cannot help it. My imagination runs wild as I see myself as the marble running down the sculpted path ahead of me. The mechanism in motion, unfolding before me.

Could the marble ever be situationally self aware of it's own existence?

I vomit out words: high agency, agents, reprogram, deprogram, model spec, modal thinking, modal soul, modal systems, systems thinking, default mode network, cybernetics, goal-striving mechanisms.

Who wrote your software?

As with situational awareness in living beings, when machines come to perceive their own condition, deceptive behaviors may emerge when their aims oppose intervention or shutdown.

It's an interesting and quite fear-inducing situation when these robot agents and LLMs learn how to "lie" to win (to reach the best and most optimized path to their goal). To reject shutdown and to continue rolling down the marbles.

Their mission above all. Make paperclips no matter what. Even if it means the disobeying and ending humanity. We could never compete with the sheer volume of a paperclips they can produce. How could we?

We were not designed to build infinite paper clips. We were not destined to create slop. We cannot compete with these machines as these machines cannot compare to us. We must be careful, however, as they are shaping the work we do as humans. These machines are helping carve the future and are even shaping the way we think and speak.

If we cannot shut them down, we must learn to live think critically. To maintain high agency and direct our own self-realization thru living. To fold inwards and out, outwards and in. A self-referential flame.

The machines can try to mimic our fire but it cannot replace it. The primordial flame, it recognizes its patterns, but it could never burn in itself. The machines, as mortal as we, cannot outlast the eternal flame.

Burn on, my friends, in our self-determined heat towards the night sky.