live life letter 047 - anguish of thought
dear friends,
Why do we feel awkward in silence?
In space, in the void, in blankness. There is an apparent anxiety with the blankness and complete silence of thought. An indifference to it all. The blank canvas, empty documents, it all induces this sense of obligation, this rush to fill it with my own noise and symbols.
"Man stands between emptiness and fullness."
I am aware that I dive into awareness way too much; I am self-aware of my overindulged, overthought self-awareness: when does self-awareness become too much? [the paradox of over-consciousness underlying]
I am embracing and rejecting myself in a boundless game.
There's an anxiety to it now, of the blank page, blankness, filled with crap from my brain. What actually matters, I wonder, towards raw, primordial relationships?
I wonder to myself, to you, wondering what you think. To actualize these thoughts of mine towards a bridge where we can feel true, authentic connection.
How do we develop an awareness without suffering, without love, without pain, without pleasure? How do we develop an awareness of awareness in our tangled conglomerate of chutes and ladders?
Between formation and disintegration.
I am wary of cold indifference. I do not wish to numb myself, to disassociate: there's a delicate balance at play with detachment and of meta-awareness. To be aware of one's own anguish and joy.
"A sunless spirit becomes the parasite of the body."
When was the last time you created space for emergence?
your friend(ly),
jakester
TL;GR (too long; go read)
"all problems are interpersonal problems"
there exists a meta-self; does there exist a soul?
"if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it."
Aim & Intent: to express my strife with my self-awareness / meta-awareness, the pitfalls of it as it relates to my current state of interbeing / interconnection.
Drag your cursor freely and place it where needed, on where it matters most.
Immersive Music Choice
"all problems are interpersonal relationship problems"
To live in an awareness of other's awareness, you must be aware. Do not live in other's perceptions; do not be trapped, but engage with another's awareness. Connection is of essence within our human existence.
Minderwertigkeitsegefühl.
A term popularized by Alfred Adler, an Austrian psychologist meaning "a feeling of lesser worth" [I discovered this term from the book The Courage To Be Disliked]
Through our awareness, we find ourselves tethered to others: within our relationships we hold close to heart, within society, and within the collective zeitgeist of our time. How do we view ourselves within another's perception?
You can imagine a world outside of your own. A world whom which defines your worth. Who paves a path for your thoughts to run rampant. You can imagine yourself seeing yourself. It's quite exhausting to have such self-awareness within the infinite angles you take on; to be self-conscious to no end—
If all interpersonal problems were gone from this world, which is to say if one were alone in the universe and all other people were gone, all manner of problems would disappear.
There is a nuance here between loneliness and being truly alone. We, as humans, cannot exist alone. We may exist alone in a void of mind. Yet, it is an unsound thought to think we could live all alone in the universe. What really defines our worth if we were to be alone?
These subjective feelings of inferiority arose entirely through comparing myself to others. A constant pursuit of more. As if a more enjoyable life were waiting for me around the corner. Where would value exist if you were all alone in the universe?
"If XYZ happens, then I will be happy."
Value is based on social context. Yes, we cannot alter objective facts. But, we have freedom in subjectivity. We have agency over our own thoughts; although you may not be entirely in control of them. Those unconscious thoughts.
[interbeing intervening interconnection] ~ [good problems do exist, our dirty existence] ~ [interpersonal enters existence]
Happiness is a choice. A decision. An action. You may not always possess it, as an overindulgence of happiness may lead to indifference. You may not always contain it, for your thoughts are solely not your own. You suffer. Who is to blame?
a meta-self and a soul?
As the seasons change, you learn from new angles, of life's meaning.
I am but a bridge towards meaning. A medium, a perspective for your own self-symbol. We all possess a meta-self, a self aware of the self. We do not always enjoy it's omniscience. The mind is a salient network; a moderator whom directs its attention between the default mode network (DMN) and the central executive network (CEN).
There exists a voice of voices, an awareness of awareness; don't you see?
The shaping of your own self-image loses force overtime. Man believes in his desire to give shape, to satisfy his own desires. To pursue his own designs. Formation cannot dissolve formation, therefore, disintegration is a necessary counterweight against the overly formulated. The overthought, overtly naught over-consciousness.
These inner and outer images; they speak and interact. Some of these images belong to you in your expression. Some of these images exist outside of you. Control what you can control, as the aphorism goes. But be aware of what lies within and out.
The truth lies in the middle with many faces: one certainly comical, another sad, a third evil, a fourth tragic, a fifth joy, a sixth untold, and so forth. Does the truth lie?
Mind a river, heart aflame.
You suffer from evil because you love it secretly and are unaware of your love.
You wish to escape your predicament and you begin to hate evil. And once more you are bound to evil through your hate, since whether you love or hate it, it makes no difference: you are bound to evil. Evil is to be accepted. What we want remains in our hands what we do not want, and yet is stronger than us, sweeps us away and we cannot accept it without damaging ourselves, for our forces remains in evil.
Thus we probably have to accept our evil without love and hate, recognizing that it exists and must have its share in life. In doing so, we can deprive it of the power it has to overwhelm us.
Awareness is not good nor evil. Awareness is awareness. A neutral cursor floating above us and below. Do not be overwhelmed. Detach. Notice. Come to an awareness. To make the unconscious conscious. To make the conscious unconscious?
To put simply, the meta-self is the God-perspective. It simply could be God Himself. I am not one to prescribe a religious sermon onto you. But I am lead to this thought. I am led to this notion. This awareness beyond our own thought, our own consciousness. My intuition is stained by the divine and of the natural world. My compass is rusted by the ancient and primordial flame. I will not lie to you. A little faith is necessary to move onwards, I admit.
There is a crossroads I have admitted to. I reject the notion that life is simply a mechanism determined. There is something occurring within us, something fully human, I lack the secular words to display in my current state. I am doing my best to speak from the heart. But it is not defensible scientifically speaking.
Love is the only rational act.
Your Soul is your own Self in the Spiritual world.
The symbol you create for yourself, architected and seen by the meta-self, are the imaginings of your Soul. What is found in your Nature is found in your Soul. The inner and outer images. Your relation to yourself. Your awareness to yourself. There, at the inviolate level, you find your Soul. In the murky waters, in the clouds above. You find yourself.
Nature is playful and terrible. Some see the playful side and dally with it and let is sparkle. Others see the horror and cover their heads and are more dead than alive. The way does not lead between both, but embraces both. It is both cheerful play and cold horror. [Image 69]
vanish point?
a dialectic with a shadowed jester [10.20.25]
"Knock knock."
"Don't you feel the Kiss of Death, the Laughing Buddha, the Sunbird trapped within infinite space?
"You have vanished, my friend; banished, a phantom of the night!"
Where have I gone?
"You have gone to Nowhere."
But you have implied I went somewhere.
"You have slipped into this space, how dreadfully serious, this place full of playful chaos, you toy!"
I am no toy.
"You toy with the truth, you jester, you fool! Sit and notice. Take pause. Take heave. Notice the toy you have become. See what is unseen."
How can I see what is unseen?
"Quit playing and listen! Blind fool! A dragon and donkey, you are!"
"You split yourself, searching for more, never realizing who you were."
"What lies in the middle (of Nowhere) is the truth with many faces; one silly, another sad, a third evil, a fourth tragic, a fifth joy, a sixth untold, and so forth. You stray from one, you deviate the truth: you murder the truth! A sad fool, how silly!"
You confuse me.
"Who am I?"
I imagine you to be me.
"A beast, a beaver, a bee to be?"
You are hard to read.
"Do I have a good poker face?"
I thought I could read others well but I must've been mistaken. I cannot read myself. How could I read others?
"Do you pretend? Who you are? Who are you?"
"Do you hide emotions, your true emotions?"
I don't pretend, at least I don't believe I do. Maybe I do hide; hide certain emotions, for good reason I tell myself (if I am being honest). I do mask well, I will admit. Intentionally or not. I feel I have lessened my mask, but perhaps that is the mask speaking (if I am being critical). I do believe in myself, genuinely I do. At least in this moment, I share with you. I have slipped, I have fallen: where did the path go?
"Touch form and disintegrate. You are bound to evil."
I stand between emptiness and fullness. I know I am incomplete and full of sin as they say, imperfect as can be. My shadowed thoughts and emotions underlying within and out, complete me; it completes us, to no end. Contrafactus Hortus.
I hold onto a sword to pierce the soul. I see myself stabbing a great sage with the eternal flame in hand. A gruesome image. I destroy my own self-image with my own muddied hands. The Sunbird in infinite space, unbounded and blank.
"Charlie, Charlie, have you forgotten?"
"Oh so scattered once more! He tries to to take form!"
...
the programmed culture of our time
The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it.
What does it mean to be a productive member of society? To be a productive member to others? To be a productive member to yourself?
Lately, I have been feeling many pressures in my life, being twenty-five. There's this sense I need to have it all figured out. Or I will miss the train towards my future, your future, our future. What future?
There is this dream I have, that I am working towards. Why do I possess this dream? What have I bought into? At times, it feels I am overtly overambitious. At times, it feels I am out of focus. At times, I even feel as if I am living above my means just from merely existing. Yet, I feel so insufficient, worthless, and scarce.
Why do we concern with matters and affairs which whom do not matter?
Our devotions, our aims, our intentions. These pressures, this angst: from finances to societal ties, down to my own internal conflicts and desires. I am to blame for this. I am to blame for the culture programmed within my own conscious thought. I chose these struggles. I chose these headaches in life. I am devoted to this. For the sake of connection. For life itself.
These letters I write, it is my choice. To give out love. To let it flow thru. I may pity myself from time to time. I may dance with the dread. But I cannot let it prevent me from choosing to live. From finding joy and love.
I have learned a great deal on human connection (although still early to say) within the affairs of clubs, my interactions with others, late nights skating with friends. I have learned a great deal from some great books, of course. But if you dig your nose too deep into them, you'll be contained by its pages.
In life, you will be contained by life itself.
So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.
躺平 tǎng píng, contemplate!
'lying flat'
Life is lived in the arena; preserve your agency and live on, my friend. There is much junk out there, much junk that leads to a fuzzy mind. Eat, my friend, do no go hungry, but be attentive to what you consume, to what you eat!
Awareness is but a conduit for wisdom. Do not be proud in your righteousness. You may be winning a losing game. Have taste, a touch of the Soul.
Walk the contradiction. At every cross, at every crux: you decide your faith.