live life letter 048 - blank spiral
dear friends,
I am dizzy but I wish to push myself further.
I want to push myself. I have this desire for more. This spiral within.
It's been over a month since I turned 25. My life, I feel has gone a spiral. In good and in bad. I don't mind it-
I am lying; I do mind it, more times than I can admit. I desire to control this spiral. But there are certain elements out of my hands. Yet, I cannot use this as an excuse. There are certain elements in my hands that I believe to not be in my hands. Unconscious helplessness. I won't fall into helplessness. Am I delusional?
I am choosing to be unhappy because I don't want people to resent me.
I do not wish to be prideful, I do not wish to be famed, to be idolized, to be greedy, to be vain. These desires, these ambitions, these human decays. How can I avoid it; an ego dismayed?
A spiral of self-conscious awareness.
I shouldn't live in other's perceptions of me, of my self. What matters; what truly matters? Feedback and market demands do matter to some degree (to the collective). But money hungry, am I? I don't wish to be distasteful; I want to respect the craft and my own self-expression. To not be tainted by this desire for money and wealth. Yet, my expression is already tainted by language itself. Oh my! What a dilemma, I tell myself; a spiral of awareness. Don't be overly conscious, you fool. Don't overthink i- too late. Stop thinking.
What a silly prompt of directives. Of course I cannot stop thinking or I'd be dead! Dead? Blank space. Void? I can still exist in a void of mind. Of detachment; free flow state of mind. When the self dissipates into the background. When you forget your own self-symbol, only drawn to what is being witnessed. Is this a fictioned state of mind?
A state of non-being?
Where have you gone to, my friend?
your friend(ly)
jakester
TL;GR (too long; go read)
spiral and wave; smile and wave
time distortion & meta-cognitive spirals
returning to blankness, a spiral out within
Aim & Intent: to spiral consciously; calm awareness and clarity thru the tilted confusion and noise of life and the experience we are a witness of.
Immersive Music Choice
spiral and wave; smiling through the waves
Do I understand myself?
The motion of spirit in matter.
There are moments where I find myself deeply lost. There are moment where I find myself deeply frustrated. In my daily interactions, I often cannot find my own voice. I am soft spoken and I find my words (before I speak) almost worthless.
Why can't I find my voice?
I hate it. I sit there, patiently listening to others. I listen; I know my position is not strong. So, I must listen. To these voices of authority. I hate it. They don't have authority over me, but I let them talk over me. I smile and let the waves go on.
My inner projections. I mustn't think so highly of myself; the student should never overcome the master. Strategically, I listen. I should place my ego aside. I am aware of my own projections. I must be aware of theirs. Unsolicited advice. Solicited advice. Advice, all the same. What I must be wary of is cold indifference.
What truly matters? My spirit in motion.
A mindset of scarcity. These resources are limited. A spiral, we cling onto, these material notions of wealth. I see how my own scarcity affects my levels of patience and my levels of indifference. When you feel the world is not patient with you, it's easy to lose patience. Slow down the spiral, the spirals of spirals. The regression into our most primitive states, survival. You must survive, yes; but at what cost?
Do not lose your humanity. Do not lose your kindness. Do not lose your genuine smile. The world may be indifferent. You are not the world. You are love. Do not forget that. You were created from love. Do not forget that. Do not fake your smile. Do not fake your love. You notice the pretense within you.
Why do you still your spirit?
I know you feel it. The deadweight within. I know you can see it. Your eyes bagged in the mirror. You fear you can never catch it. When life feels a step ahead. Every time you reach out, the space only widens. You see yourself with desperate eyes. You hunger, you sleepless, you thoughtless soul. You are blank.
A blanket of Nothing. Pure form of expression?
time distortion & meta-cognitive spirals
What remains through time immemorial?
What remains when all precepts change?
What remains when all concepts change?
~
what remains when all perceptions-
what remains when all-
what remains when~
what remains?
A meta-cognitive spiral is when consciousness becomes aware of its own thinking processes, then becomes aware of that awareness, creating recursive loops that can either deepen understanding or trap the mind in infinite regression.
You create ↔ You perform ↔ You live ↔ You perform ↔ You create ↔ You notice.
I am distorted. Distortion is found as you slip between levels of abstraction, levels of consciousness. When you describe a concept, it can be seen from various levels of cognition and at different points in time. Timing of thoughts and emotions can greatly change the context and frame of an experience.
Timing in synchronicity?
There exist moments of meaning generated through collision rather than progression. Moments as if two unlike events collide to one in a strange, uncanny way (perhaps supernatural). Thoughts ricocheting across scales of existence.
I don't mean to exaggerate or exacerbate. I speak from the heart. There is this unique euphoria or eudaimonic feeling of flourishing when those moments occur. An eclipse of sorts, two unlike spirals tying together. Where time itself feels distorted. You look away from the clock for a moment and an hour passes. The music stops. The noise clears, allowing your eyes to see through the overgrown murklings of your brain.
You don't have to think hard. Thinking is frictionless, to the point of being second in nature (unconscious-like); primordial instinct. When expression leaks naturally, being fueled by its own motion in a moment of recursion and inspiration.
[meta-note: 10.29.25 it is currently 4:11am; I want to continue writing but I know I must sleep. It's hard to press the brake when flow feels frictionless]
I place bets on where my time is spent. To burn the midnight oil, a night well spent. The spiral must continue within my dreams.
A return to the unconscious world?
[meta meta-note: 5:47am; I did not sleep. I am restless, I cannot contain the fire of my mind. The thoughts continue spiraling to no near nor clear end. I find it quite ironic that I am writing about blankness when my mind is filled with everflowing thoughts]
return to blankness
To avoid scary thought patterns or to confront them?
Where have you gone my friend?
You have those scary thoughts, I understand but cannot follow. You walk a lonely path but that does not mean you have to be alone. There's a many few out there. Together, we are all alone. We must break this illusion, this trick you speak of.
Loneliness is a state of mind.
You are not loneliness itself. Loneliness is not given. You play this trick onto yourself. You speak to yourself when you are alone. This voice you hear, that is you.
You are not alone. It is easy to feel alone. It takes courage to not be alone. To speak out against yourself. To find your own presence in presence.
A wash of the brain, not a brainwash. There is peace in Nothing. There is peace in Emptiness, in Stillness; in breathe. In darkness, do not fear. Fear is a program to be broken. Notice the root of your anxiety and panic; of which is rooted in fear?
In a state of blankness, these precepts become clear. These sources and root causes become less opaque. Cut through the wash, flood the mind from its own source. Zoom out. See from another perspective. Then another, of that perspective. Find new angles, new points of approach. You see yourself dissecting your own mind. Do not zoom out too far or your risk over-consciousness.
Return to blankness. Find your breathe. Pace and grace. Contradicting directives create a cognitive tension. The mind restrains you; yet, we exist in a void of mind, a neutral blank slate of awareness. Do you feel restrained?
Free your cognition.
The pushification of self and expression. Beware those dark imaginings; there is a crack in everything, a chink in armor— this is how light gets in (and darkness).
Self-understanding is crucial for understanding others. Self-love is crucial for loving others. Self-awareness is crucial for awareness of others. Self-actualization is crucial for actualizing the other. The missing part of self.
"What you resist, persists."
Understanding suffering allows you to create good with compassion.
I am not worthless. Seek a worthy-full endeavor. Life itself, a gifted experience, full of suffering and joy. Thank you, thank God, thank self, thank Love. Nature’s dance is playful and serious. Don’t you see it, the beautiful, cruel spiral; the jester’s crux?
a living memento mori.
Speak as if your words are the last ones they’ll hear.
Create as if your art will outlive your name.
Love as if the world will vanish at dusk.
Walk gently, knowing the ground will one day cover you.
Love isn't dead.
