money creates a shadow of doubt.
dear friends,
the shadow of doubt continues to haunt me, creeping ever so slowly into my soul. creeping soul(ly) through the depths of my mind.
at times, I see the facade money creates within myself and I can't help but question what I really need in my life. this endless quest of more can easily blind us.
I am Guilty of this.
I don't want to lose my child-like soul to the waves of doubt that keep crashing onto me — I must have certitude in the face of struggle and uncertainty.
that still does not remove the fact that we cannot outrun our shadow.
this is life, reality as we know it; we cannot deny our shadow if we are to accept the light.
don't lose your child-like energy in the pursuit of money.
your friend(ly)
jakester
post scriptum - I entered into a writing competition nycmidnight, a 100-word microfiction challenge [the story will be at the end of this live life letter]
Immersive Music Choice(s)
the overload of money flow [002, 003]
Money is a powerful force of doubt — it makes me question everything.
Does Money taint my motivation, my Why?
I recently sold out of a property I've been holding on since 2021 and now I sit on a large sum of capital. I've been planning to allocate this capital into the Van, but having this amount makes me feel doubtful in myself.
The opportunity costs loom over me and I just stick my tongue out at them — this is my dream, a promise I made to myself.
What is this Hesitation?
The grip of the Green-eyed Monster is stronger than I thought. It continues to taint my image of the world, I can't help but shake this feeling.
It has attached onto me and makes me feel as if I have nothing, leading me to lose sight of what actually matters, of my purpose.
Money makes me doubt myself.
These numbers, these commas and checks that lead us, that run the world — it dulls my burning passion.
When I doubt myself and my passion dulls, I can feel myself becoming more irritated with myself, with others, and with the world. I grow impatient and I can feel the flames of my anger wanting to seep out.
I want to create with no repercussions. I want to relax with no repercussions. I want to play with no repercussions. I want to be able to live with no repercussions.
What am I repercussing to?
I don't want more problems…
Mo Money, Mo Problems
the game pieces [009, 010]
Icarus wakes up from his dream to find the Great Sage playing with puppets, putting on a show with the ever-slight pulls of his fingers. The movements of the strings continued to gleam as the light danced onto them from the early dawn.
ad astra per aspera
"You are finally awake, I see."
Icarus rubbed his eyes and slowly got out of bed, still hesitant of his surroundings. Suddenly the room shifted and the puppet show poofed away.
The Sage and Icarus sat across from each other with a micro-detailed map sitting between them. On the Sage's Game Board, all things were made.
This game had elaborate pieces that made Icarus stare in awe of the level of craftsmanship.
"This is the battlefield, Icarus."
"Why are you showing me this, you old man?"
"Because I can."
Icarus recognized some of the landmarks found on the map including the labyrinth, the kingdom of Crete, among other things — still, much of the map was unrecognizable.
Icarus picked up one of the pieces and closely observed it. It was a young boy, much like himself.
"War is coming, don't you remember Icarus? The madness is coming."
"Who is this boy, shaggy ol man?"
"That is David. How old are you?"
"I am 14."
"Strange… that boy you hold is the same age as you. In front of him is the Goliath whom he must defeat. You must put him down now."
Icarus listened and observed the motion of the board. He sat that, intently observing this mad world.
…
The Stories begin to converge in recursion, recursing one another in a strange cursive way, the bending of stories. What is this curse?
On the Edge of this World, flipped onto the other side, we find Jake and Spike deep in dialogue on the discussion of Good and Evil itself and how demons disguise themselves as Angels.
Dishonest and Honest Players at War
the meta-soul of good and evil [000, 001, 005]
Can you feel the Fire?
Jake and Spike are staring up into the night sky once again in Kansas, in this strange new world we have found ourselves.
J: it's much easier to open your eyes in the darkness, I see Spike.
S: keen observation. you cannot stare out at the Sun.
J: am I evil Spike?
S: what makes you think that?
J: I stare out at the cosmic mirror and I cannot determine what I am seeing. I see so much darkness in me when I open my eyes. I cannot help but feel evil inside.
S: don't be ridiculous Jake.
J: I am serious Spike, I can't shake this feeling. Can I show you quote I've read from The Red Book?
S: shoot me.
The spirit of the depths opened my eyes and I caught a glimpse of the inner things, the world of my soul, the many-formed and changing."
S: what do you think this means?
J: day and night are the same, always changing. To understand one deeply means to understand the other. Beyond Good and of Evil.
S: that's beyond me :P
J: perhaps it's beyond us all.
[enters the meta-soul]
MS: The mind moves the body moves the soul moves the mind moves…
J: where did you come from?
MS: I come from the shadows of your doubt.
Your Mind is your Reality. The Dreamscape you hoped to keep hidden overcame the veil. The Patina of the Ego was removed, revealing your most hidden insecurities and parts of the Soul you wanted to keep in the shadows for yourself. You bring them to Light and now you must show the World.
S: that's a lot man.
J: you sound like my 14 year old self, you on drugs?
MS: I see through your humor, Jake, for I am you.
I could not keep hidden, without a shadow of doubt, I entered into this world. I was forced to open when you opened your eyes to the darkness. To be awakened to the cruelties of your own depths.
S: maybe you should chill on The Red Book for a bit Jake.
J: but the moment I stop learning is the moment I die!
[the meta-soul dissipates]
J: do you think that entity was an Angel or a Demon?
S: well, it's hard to say. Demons do well disguising themselves. And Angels don't really try to hide so it's much easier for the Demons to win this game of masquerades.
J: the heroes always seem to have the disadvantage and less cooler things, huh Spike.
S: it's the world we live in. If there's an incentive to be dishonest, the players will play dishonestly to win the game. Would you try to defeat a greater evil with a lesser evil?
Spike and Jake continue to look up towards the night sky per usual. Ad astra per aspera.
A Dream Resurfaces - v. 第五部分 [002, 008, 011]
In Charlie's mind, he imagined himself gliding through space, through the cosmos. Pulling stars and planets together with the force of gravity. Seeing how even the slightest touch affects the nature of creation and destruction.
How one little motion could lead a star to implode into a blackhole. The points of no return. The natural endpoint for massive stars. Enriching future generations of stars and planets.
Stop daydreaming Charlie.
Charlie could not help but stare into a small globe with many stars and planets. The two made it to the Lost Lonely Soul Pawn Shop, home to the Great Cosmic Buddhist, where you can find anything that your Heart desires.
Outside they heard laser shots beaming. The location was not the greatest pocket of the cosmos, riddled with space crime and violence.
Inside the shop, however, the Great Toe was revered and respected. He was the Great Cosmic Buddhist after all. And he always made honest dealings with all walks of life of the Universe.
Karmic Retribution is a real thing.
This was Toe's mantra and it was plastered in big red neon lights outside his Great Shop. No one messed with Toe. Everyone loved him, for he loved what he did. But he also loved money.
"We need to fix our Ship of Theseus, let me handle the talking Charlie. I will lead to the conversation with Toe."
Mimi rushed out to find Toe. Charlie nodded and remained lost in a trance of all the beautiful things. To Charlie, this was a magical place, a space museum filled with stories across the cosmos.
This cosmic pawnshop was full of Creatures, of Monkeys and Ravens, of Mirrors and Swords. Everything felt alive. Everything resonated of a Soul.
Each piece holds deep history, a seascape of memories. A tapestry of lived experiences imbued into each object. Each object called out to Charlie. Were they conscious, these indifferent observers?
"I want to buy everything."
Mimi glared at Charlie.
"Shut up Charlie, that won't help in our negotiations. We need to be careful how we frame our motivations and the information we give. Toe is an insane specialist in the art of the deal. We are dealing with a vetted pro."
A) If we are too bold in our asking price, Toe will shoe us away, creating more pressure on us — Toe does not need to sell to us.
B) If we give too much, we risk not having enough to recover the Ship back to homeostasis and it will be difficult to continue our journey through the stars.
"You need to mask your motivation, Charlie, or we will lose the negotiation."
—
Suddenly the energy of the room shifted and focus was drawn to the Great Cosmic Buddhist as he stepped into the space. His presence was warm.
"How can I help you?"
Mimi froze, trying to calculate the best opening for the optimized deal.
Charlie jokingly blurted out,
"How do you find Harmony with the hardness of money? Would you describe the peace you feel as having Har-money with yourself and the Universe?
Mimi was about to blow. Then, Toe exploded into laughter.
"You are funny, young man! Money is the greatest physical form of karma, second only to cosmic karmic retribution. You seem like an honest guy. I'd love to help you."
Mimi did not know what to say. Charlie giggled.
"I would love find harmony in our deal! I genuinely love this place, I can feel the fire. What is that you have been missing lately?"
Toe was stunned. No one has ever asked what he needed as souls came to him looking to fulfill their needs. The Lonely Soul felt seen.
"I've been needing some help sharing the story of this place throughout the Cosmos. If you guys were able to help share it throughout the stars, I'd love to trade in a good deal for you."
Mimi grew excited. She told Toe, the Great Cosmic Buddhist of all the specifications and parts needed for the Ship of Theseus.
The Art of Doubt
March 19th, 2025
Doubt is a powerful tool.
Doubt requires judgement. Judgement requires agency. Agency requires Awareness. Awareness requires Consciousness. Consciousness requires Freewill.
I am skeptical.
The Shadow of Doubt Creeps Soul(ly).
Without Shadows, light behaves strangely. Without Doubt, we behave strangely.
It's okay to be skeptical — in fact, we should welcome it. It's healthy to have open skepticism. For when the Lamp is Low, deception and false realities appear real.
When the light is dimmed, tendencies shift. Paradigms shift. Behaviors shift. Your identity shifts. The energy shift is real.
The Soul moves and is in-motion. Emotion. Creates commotion?
In the Dance, the Manic's Dance, chaos ensues and the Mind moves to and fro. Sporadic jumps in a rhythmic trance, Harmonic Fractals in Harmony?
What is this that I write?
What is this that I sing?
What is this that I think?
What is this that I do?
I cannot explain what is unexplainable.
I cannot show what is unseen.
I cannot write what is unwritten.
I cannot think what is unthinkable.
Yet, we defy Logic everyday when we can explain the unexplainable, see the unseen, write the unwritten, and think the unthinkable.
A sense of Humor, the Universe has.
It's funny how things work, how things twist and turn, in the everflow —
of Life and Death, of Heroes and Villains, of Light and Dark, of 0s and 1s
The Story is revealed.
The GHOST lives within ME. I am the GHOST hosted within me. KIDS SEE GHOSTS. I am the KID who SEES the GHOST in ME. The GHOST lives between LIFE and DEATH read between the LINES and DIPS.
The SPACE between TWO WORLDS.
How does TWO become ONE?
…
when I doubt my why, I often go back to this video…
I am guilty of doubting my will and purpose of life so I often must remind myself to combat the dreads of doubt.
Unconditional Love.
cast of characters
000 - the meta self
001 - friendlyjakeste
002 - crazycharlie
003 - the shadow friend [???]
—
005 - spike the space monkey
006 - the devil
—
008 - mimi the shapeshifter
009 - ol man tuck the shaggy sage
010 - boy icarus
011 - toe the cosmic pawnshop owner
Micro-fiction Challenge
required word: "held"
genre: suspense/thriller
action required: "forgetting a name"
must be 100 words or less
Title: Guilty.
"What is held?"
I ask myself.
I am held against my will.
In the Waiting Room, the Clock ticks.
Am I crazy?
I write, I write, I write.
The Mind's Fibonacci Sequence.
The Natural Order, they don't understand.
Schizophrenia? No, they don't understand.
The State of Flow, Loss of Ego, Patina of Soul.
A Magnificent Spiral.
You write, you write —
Are you crazy?
Can you see the Illusion that holds you?
I do. A stream of consciousness.
I am Ship of Theseus, the Labyrinth, a Dark Twisted Fantasy.
What is my name?
"Guilty!"
The Gavel Strikes.
"You killed him."
